A sign from SlutWalk St. Louis 2012
What do you do when the guy you believe raped your friend calls you out of the blue?
Some of you remember this post. A friend of mine accused a guy I know of raping her. I believed her. I confronted him. He denied it. I sought no further contact with him. Fast forward six months or so, he calls me on the phone “to catch up,” and says that we never talk anymore and “that’s a shame.”
I say, “Well, that’s one to look at it. Another way would be that in our last conversation, I accused you of raping someone. Rape accusations have a way of ending relationships.” Amazingly enough, a civil conversation took place after this. He asked me to do him a favor, and while my knee jerk reaction was to tell him to go fuck himself, the favor only required a small amount of my time and a couple dollars of my money, so I complied. I used the opportunity to encourage him to seek counseling and also to invite him to and anti-violence against women event that I am co-hosting.
I also sent him a link to this awesome post on the Captain Awkward blog about “creepers and proto-rapists” and asked him to read it. That article inspired the conversation below.
To his credit, the man in question did not oppose me posting our correspondence publically. I have removed his name and other identifying characteristics. For the sake of her privacy, I will refer to the woman who made the initial rape allegation as “Jane,” which is not her real name. The order of some comments has been changed to preserve the continuity of a conversation that took place via instant message. Without further editorial comment, here is the conversation in almost its entirety.
Him: I have read your article about the creepers.
My first thought is that you spend a lot more time thinking about my dick and what I do with it than I ever have yours, which is a little hard to do sense yours is almost a public forum.
Second was to evaluate why you want me to read it. This is coming from Jane asking to crash at my place? Or more?
Me: Yes and more. Other women coming to me (unsolicited) with stories about you. Women have told me that they don't want to come to my events because they saw you on my Facebook friends list and question how I could associate with someone like you. Please believe, I don't go around asking women what they think of you. They bring this stuff to me. Women I didn't even know you knew.
So, yes, it's more than Jane, but when one of my best friends of 15 years says you fucked her in her sleep, that's kind of significant in and of itself.
And, I can honestly say, I have never thought about your dick in anything but the abstract until just now. Thanks for that. But, come on, "you spend a lot more time thinking about my dick and what I do with it than I ever have yours" is a pretty lame response under the circumstances. Even from you.
